It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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