i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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