i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Come on in and take your pants off
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