Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
