i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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