Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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