I think I won the penis lottery.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
