Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
