who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
