I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
