Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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