he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
