dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
