I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
