A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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