why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
