that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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