I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
