I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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