four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
