woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
