I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
