just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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