i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
