After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
