You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sext me about skeletons
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
