Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
