y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
