I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
