Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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