I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
