So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
