Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
