I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
