I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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