Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
