I've blown a few things in my day
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
