census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
