If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
