Someone shit on the floor
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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