My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
