he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
