well I can't set my house on fire every night
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it hurts more in the daytime
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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