I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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