The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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