sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
