So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
