i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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