the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
