ya dads aren't the best wingmen
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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